For those of you that have been following me already know that for the past 19-days I have been taking no food or water in and only drinking alcohol. Surprisingly enough my body seems to have adjusted to that regime and other than a few issues I have been fairly OK through the process. For those that have not been following my journey, you're probably wondering why I am doing this crazy experiment. I assure you it was not an experiment or stunt, and I will take the time of explaining the why in the hopes you will understand the reason for my next step in what will most assuredly be the final leg of my journey,
In August, 2018 I was diagnosed with Decompensated Cirrhosis of the Liver. It is a terminal disease. It is treatable and life can be extended. At the time the liver specialist that diagnosed me explained that 50% of the people at my stage lived about a year and others beyond that. We chugged along with a treatment plan that included medications and frequent trips to the Ultrasound Department at Sacred Heart Medical Center in order to have a procedure called paracentesis which removes approximately 6-7 liters of fluid which builds up in a cavity around my abdomen. It is not a painful procedure, they stick a long needle through then pull the needle out leaving tubing which is attached to a pump which removes the fluid. It takes a couple of hours every two-weeks. I followed my med plan and kept up with the treatments, when I developed something called Hepatic Encephalopathy.
Hepatic Encephalopathy (I'll call it HEP, from here forward) sucks! HEP causes me to lose stability, shakes in my hands, but the most nefarious of its side effects is the loss of my cognitive abilities and potentially completely losing the ability of being who I am. I cannot imagine being anyone other than Alfredo, if I am not Alfredo, well I just do not want to go there. There is a treatment to keep HEP at bay. It requires an antibiotic that costs over $3K per-month, along with a laxative called Lactulose. It sounds easy enough, right? Well maybe for some, but unfortunately not for me. At first the insurance company that provided my drug coverage would not pay for the antibiotic, I had to contact them, provide them with information provided by my general practitioner, and they eventually provided coverage. The Lactulose was covered. Taking the antibiotic was benign enough, but the Lactulose was like taking something that caused nuclear fission in my digestive tract. Even reducing it down to the lowest dose of a teaspoon with meals it caused me to have ZERO control over my bowel movements. It was like having to be chained to the toilet. According to the doctors, both the liver specialist and my general practitioner, this combination was the only way to remove the toxins, one of which is ammonia, from the body and keeping them from reaching my brain and causing HEP.
Herein came my choices, continue taking the nuclear fission agent and attach myself to a toilet, stop taking it and allow HEP to step-in and take my life away as I know it, or make the decision to help the process of my terminal disease to move forward in a quicker fashion. I chose the latter. Starting at midnight tonight I will be ending all intake of food and liquids. In most cases people tend to die within 3-days, but some have been known to last up to 7-days, with some cases lasting longer. This is not a casual choice. It is a choice that I have made because it best suits my particular situation. I do not want to become anyone but who I am, I was born Alfredo, I have lived as Alfredo, and I will die as Alfredo. I have found in making this choice that it was a controversial one with many people, and I encountered many that were angry due to "their" religious beliefs. The keyword is "their," these are not my beliefs and it doesn't bother me in the least that it is their belief, just bothers me when they try and guilt-trip me or impose them on me. I have found that, at least for me, shutting them down immediately works best for me, but leaves some hard feelings.
Ultimately choosing how and when to die is a decision that is personal, but may affect others within your universe, and that's where it gets tricky. I have chosen to be direct and blunt, that is who I've always been. It doesn't work for some, but are they dying? No they are not, I am dying. Are they potentially losing the ability to be who they've been their whole lives? No they are not. I am potentially, almost certainly losing who I've spent a lifetime developing. I am not wiling to take that chance. This is my decision, I have made the choice to die and have many friends that are supporting me through the process of dying. So, you're either along for the ride, or watching from the sidelines, but either way, if you support me I will embrace you, if you do not I will exclude you because I have a lot on my plate to deal with right now and do not have the time to process or deal with all your emotions too. I feel for you, but I just can't. I hope this helps you understand where I am at right now. It will be getting worse instead of better after this evening. I love you all, each and every single one of you!!!
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